Monday, April 04, 2011

My birthday is coming up next weekend. I'll admit that the ages of my children make me feel older then my actual age. Why is that? 

Regardless, in preparation of this momentous day (I LOVE being pampered on my b-day!), I've pulled out the goals I'd written for myself last birthday. Last year I decided that establishing goals based on my annual, personal "road trip" made more sense than the random Jan 1st date.

 So last year on my birthday I compiled a list of just 13 things I thought I'd want to work on and/or accomplish in the upcoming year. And I'm a little embarrassed & sad to say, I've only been able to cross off one.

Maybe that's okay for this year.  I like the concept, but I'm being kind to myself because I know I'm still finding my way.

A little over two years ago, on 3/19/09, our 10 year old son, Montie, passed away due to complications associated with his Marfan Syndrome. My world stopped. My purpose stopped. Time seemed to stop when Montie's heart stopped.

And for a whole year I just WAS. I did what was necessary to keep my girls, my hubby & myself afloat in the world, believing in faith that God would carry us through. Somehow. Someday.

Slowly.... very slowly it's happening. I still look around & wonder what's the purpose of it all, when my growing children need me less, and I've never attained the career goals I'd originally thought were so important.

God had changed my heart & showed me  how much being a mommy meant. I'll never regret giving up the career moments for being here the whole time my kiddos were growing up & finding their ways.

But now what?? I know many moms go through this phase. Mine just happened differently. More suddenly.

I feel my branches beginning to sprout...
Where once they lay heavy-laden with sorrow on the ground,
bare of leaves & devoid of sunshine;
they are stretching to find the warm glow,
which urges budding.


  1. Prayers for you today and always! One day, one step and I'll be there if you ever need to talk.

  2. I truly believe that just surviving and "being" following your son's death is a true accomplishment. You don't need goals or ideas on a page. You just need to get through each day and begin seeing the branches sprout. That in itself is enough. Happy Birthday!

  3. Thanks ladies :) I'd never had survived without the support of friends/family!

  4. It's so nice to find this post today. Isn't it interesting how our list of goals doesn't always match God's list for our lives? Or maybe it's just not His timing. But He always leads us to the next step. Have a great day, Denise!