Just got back from the morning drag... umm... I mean the morning walk. Most mornings I try to take the black lab puppy for a morning walk to burn off some of the exuberant energy that seems to always be pent up in his 70 lb body. And since I've just begun this routine, we're still at the point where he basically tries to drag me down the road. I end up with something looking like rope burn on my palms, one day I had shin splints (?????), one day I swear he almost yanked my shoulder out of socket. I believe we're making progress since this week he hasn't thrown any body parts into spasm or to the point of aching.
It's a mixture of challenge & desperation that's thrown me into daily exercise. I want to tame this beast & make him normal, and I know I could use the daily exercise. But I tell you, I'm learning I have to steel myself for it... it's embarrassing to get dragged down the road, while occasionally yanking back & barking out, "Smokey WALK!", and as I yank back the bag of poop I've collected is swinging wildly, hitting my boobs, my back... sigh.... I wonder if anyone has caught the regular spectacle & had a good morning laugh??
The other reason I have to work up the courage to take the walk, is that there's still a part of me that just wants to stay hiding in my house since Montie died. People say the stupidest things to me when I'm out ... and then I, trying to remain composed & appear normal, respond with some inane, expected comeback & it'll irritate me for hours. How does one respond to the basic question, "So how are you really doing?" Do parents from my daughter's soccer team really want to hear the answer? Do acquaintances from our old school whom we run into routinely at the grocery store really want to know how I'm doing ... while standing in the middle of the pickle jars, mayonnaise, and quick-start dinner packets??
And the truth is no one really wants to know what I'm going through. In fact, invariably when I share the sadness & the depth of my ache with my closest friends they are quick to ask if I think I should ask the doctor for medication. Okay people, it's not like I'm rolled in a fetal position unable to get out of bed!! I still get up every morning when I'm supposed to, collect groceries, make meals, pay bills, work, clean, and play with/hang out with my daughters .... beyond those first weeks when we did nothing & went nowhere & barely ate, we have resumed much of the typical activities of a normal family. So truly there is no great injustice being done on my family, I'm not shirking my duties or even overly emotional or withdrawn. I'm just sad now & then & need to let it out. But society is uncomfortable with emotions. We've become so used to dealing with each other in non-personal ways such as email, blogging ;-P, or texting, that to deal with real-live emotions for some is just not natural. And apparently it's down-right uncomfortable.
I can't say I blame the awkwardness that comes.... I know I'm probably one of the scariest people on the face of the earth to talk to face to face... a mom whose beloved child not only endured 10 years of medical fragility, but also a mom whose beloved child died next to her on the family room couch.
Wow... I've really switched gears here, eh??? Today while Smokey was dragging me thru our little town, The Ambulance drove right past me & it filled me with such sadness. I was walking down the back alley & so not the typical place to find an ambulance cruising & they didn't have their lights on & never stopped at any house. So why was it there?? Sometimes I wonder when these strange occurrences come about if it's Satan trying to derail me, or could it be a sign from Heaven reminding me of Montie? I guess it could all be very random, but in my gut I don't believe that. And I wonder if the EMT's remember who I am when they pass me by?? Do they remember me or my little boy and how they tried unsuccessfully to save him?
I stood in the middle of the alley after watching The Ambulance as it passed by 5 feet away from me, the EMT's staring at me, Smokey yanking on my body, while the warm spring breeze blew all around me, and I started to tear up, missing Montie so much my heart actually aches, took a deep breath, and kept walking....