How to enjoy the silence....

Not long ago, the overwhelming silence was crushing to my heart. No more loud booming coming from the opposite wall of my computer, where my son was busy playing some online war game with friends... No more little feet approaching my sewing room over the hardwood floor that gave them away before they arrived...No more requests for snacks & drinks so frequently I wondered where it all went! When Montie died so did much of the noise in the house. 

Looking back I suppose the lull has also been caused by our lack of motivation to do much of anything at times. We're such homebodies and as such are used to being in each other's company. To have one of us missing is sorely felt by each of us all the time....

And now 15 months have gone by without Montie. It's such a surreal feeling. I know without a doubt that he passed away, and yet, there's a part of me that still just can't believe it actually happened. How could my 10 year old die right beside me on the couch?? Things like that aren't supposed to happen, right?? But after losing Montie, and in reaching out to find support & understanding, I'm finding that there are lots of kids that die each year, and it leaves me filled with such heartache & disbelief. Kids aren't "supposed" to die before their parents -not in this day & age of advanced medicine. 

The irony is that lately I am CRAVING some quiet. Lately there is so much noise in the house again, and I wonder when this happened? There are kids in & out constantly, the puppy is barking at "nothing" in the back yard, the next door puppies are both barking outside, which makes both my dogs bark more & they bark more, you get the idea.... The phone is ringing off the hook again, I have obligations, my Hubby has arrived home, the fans are running, the washer & dryer are running. The house is absolutely humming today, and the deafening loudness is grating on my last nerve.

Is it just for me or maybe just my circumstances that make silence a Catch 22? With silence comes the sadness of missing my little boy, and yet without it my brain is becoming fried from the nervous energy.

Tried to do some quilting earlier & am having "pokie" problems. I've left a message to advise the client & need to get her input before continuing, so I can't turn the big quilting machine on & get lost in that. I've cleaned the downstairs, done some laundry, did the dishes, put lots of random crap away, broke a salsa container & cleaned all that up, dealt w/a crabby 13 year old who doesn't think "all these chores are fair" but then wanted me to drop everything to p/u her best friend, which I did, tried to return movies to the Blockbuster kiosk & it wouldn't turn on... sigh, I think I'm gonna coast for a bit now & try to RELAX.... 

I have a charity quilt that's waiting to be pieced. I think I'll attempt to take my mind off being crabby by sewing a bit....